A Sense of Belonging

 

On a Friday morning on the 29th of November, 2002, I was born to one Arup and Paramita Duttaroy. As time passed, I realised that I had to embark on a journey to find out who I was and where I belonged. And, it was a rather tumultuous journey for me. Here’s why:

I'm a Bengali. Yet, I haven't lived in my native place, Kolkata, for longer than a summer vacation.

I was born in Akron, Ohio, which makes me a US national. Yet, I don't know "the Star-Spangled Banner" by heart.

I've lived in Nagpur, Maharashtra for 10+ years. That's more than 50% of my life. Yet, neither my stomach nor my palette can take Saoji food.

I have lived in Singapore for a while. Yet, when asked about the place, usually all I can offer is Marina Bay Sands and Merlion, which is quite common knowledge.

I'm currently staying in Pune, Maharashtra for almost 3 years, which cumulatively means 13 years in Maharashtra. Yet, I speak broken Marathi and barely understand it.

I’ve travelled so many places, met so many people. But, seldom have they etched a notable mark in my life.

When I shifted to Pune in 2018, it was a huge shock for me. Before then, I was too young to ever have realised the trouble of fitting in—I easily made friends and adapted myself to people around me—but Pune was different. I was older, more mature, and I somewhat knew who I was or what I wanted in my surroundings. This was just difficult for me. So often, I found myself questioning where I truly belonged. Was it Nagpur? Was it even India? Or, did it have to be Pune because that’s where I was staying then?

My dad often joked about how I didn’t need to belong to any place, that I was a “global citizen.” That the world was my home. And with globalisation and the Internet bubble, that was honestly plausible. But it was something transient and intangible for a kid’s mind. Most of my friends were born and brought up in the same city. In some ways, I always sought after the pride and joy that they had towards their native place. I always looked up to people who were deep into their religion’s culture and traditions, but I was never the overly religious or faithful kind. It was something I never got to experience. I was always in awe of people who delved into a hobby very passionately. It gave all of them a defining character and a community to co-exist in. 

It’s not like I didn’t have the opportunity to develop these feelings either, I did! In fact, I do celebrate festivals. I do know the streets of the places I’ve lived in. I do have a few hobbies too. I have had too many contributing factors to my overall self, however, none felt absolutely honest or true to my identity, because there was always just something missing.

To some degree, I had attached my sense of belonging to Nagpur, because I had lived there the longest. I thought that that environment was what I wanted or needed in my life. In December 2019, I visited Nagpur again. My bubble popped. The streets I once knew like the back of my hand were completely transformed. Nagpur wasn’t the same small town with two Café Coffee Days anymore. It had developed a lot in the last year. My friends and family still spoke and behaved the same, and the bond was just as strong as it ever was, but they just seemed… distant. Even my own house was furnitureless and hollow. Nothing sat right with me! I did have a lot of fun during that trip, no doubt, but realisation had hit me like a truck. This place I called home? I had outgrown it. I was just foolish to have expected everything to stay the same forever. I got back to Pune, really angry at myself. I was living in a place I didn’t really wanna be. The place I called home was not where I wanted to be either. But I didn’t know where else I wanted to go! I just wanted to belong somewhere! Anywhere!

I think there was little repose in knowing that it was not just me. So many other people feel this way. We’re all on different trains, carrying different luggage, heading in different directions. But we all have one thing in common—we all want to feel like we belong, you know… in any way, any place. And yet, the feeling of not belonging is one of the most universal of all human experiences. 

We often become so desperate to fit in that we try to mould ourselves into what we think people expect of us. We do things we maybe don’t wanna do and lose ourselves—all in the hopes of finding our place in this world. Similarly, I used to force myself into becoming someone I just was not. This affected everything. My education, my lifestyle, friends, family—my relationship with everything needed to be changed because I had to belong somewhere.

But fortunately, I’ve realised since then—no, I don’t need to. If someone loves me, they will do so for my true self. No identity manipulation will ever lead to a meaningful existence or relationship. So what if I never stayed in Kolkata? I still celebrate Durga Puja with as much fervour as a native! And being in Maharashtra for so long, it’s almost as if Ganesh Chaturthi Sandals are second nature to me. The truth is, while I can never belong to these places, they will always reside in me. I guess this just adds to who I am. All the places that I’ve come from have only added to my experience and given me a more worldly outlook on life. I may be imperfect or incomplete, but this is me. 

There’s a quote I’ve come to love over the years:

And that right there was the answer I was looking for this whole time. Feeling at home wasn’t about where on the globe I was situated. It was about realising that home is a person. It’s you. No matter where in the world, and no matter how cliché that sounds.

As it turns out, Nagpur wasn’t the solution, nor Kolkata, Pune, USA or Singapore. The last piece to my puzzle isn’t a place. It’s me. So if I want to belong anywhere, I need to know myself and embrace my path. Not someone else’s.

How do I do that? By asking myself questions. What are my fears? My insecurities? My loves, hopes and dreams? What upsets me and what brings me joy? I will answer these questions, and the questions left unanswered can be worked on—by trying new things, reading more and having varied experiences.

One can answer their questions and find their true calling; embrace their path and find themself. Perhaps they’ll find themself early in life and be content. Or they’ll find it and lose it, to find it yet again. Sometimes over and over again. That’s the circle of life. What’s important is to never stop looking and to never settle for no answer.

And that’s how you’ll find your sense of belonging within yourself.