Does It Really Matter?

Happy Pride Month! 🏳️‍🌈

To celebrate love, this week, we decided to showcase a very special piece by an anonymous writer. So, sit back and listen to this gripping story.

We recommend using earphones :)

Does It Really Matter?

You’ve felt it, haven’t you?
Those sensations
That seem to swell up in your chest?
That squeamish feeling
In your stomach’s pit?
Like something so intense,
It overpowers everything?

People say that it is a part of being human.
That hunger. That need. That want.
It is in every hushed conversation.
It is in everyone’s fascination.
It’s everywhere. In everything we see.
So, it must be essential, right?

But, it confuses me—SEX.
Yes…sex.
And, I’ve never felt the urge to do it.
Never been ready, or eager.

Shocked?
So was I.

Hi. I'm Rahul. Naam toh suna hoga
Par afsos, King Khan ke jaise,
Mai koi King of Romance nahi,
Pyaar mein koi Devdas nahi.

I'm just…Rahul.

Don't get me wrong.
I do love romance.
I love cuddling.
I love going out on dates.
With women, maybe even men.

But, it?
It never seemed right to me.

Let's go back a few months.
To…Ishita.
The prettiest girl in college.
Most wanted, mad sexy.
But who she wanted was me??

Surprised?
So was I.

She was pretty, no doubt.
The way her hair fell over her shoulders,
The way her dark eyes
Glinted as she smiled at me.
She was beautiful.

It was me, that was doubtful.
For, I was afraid to disappoint,
To not live up to expectations,
To not live up to the hype.

“Yaar, tu toh chhaa gaya!”
Kehkar corridors mein chidhaate the mere dost
Par mai toh saala dating mein noob tha yaar!
Why Ishita chose me, baffled me the most!

Confused?
So was I.

So, Ishita and I started dating.
Yes, this noob was now dating.
I know, it is funny.
But this was special to me.

Let’s get back to it, shall we?
Why was it so queer to me?
Or was I the one that was queer?
Why did the thought of it
Fill me up with unease and fear?

Some friends would tell me
That if I can't do it,
I can never experience love.
I thought that was an exaggeration
But what if Ishita said the same stuff?

Par baat hairat ki hai
Kyunki love toh experience kiya tha maine.
Usey gudgudaana, usey yun sataana,
Uski baaton mein kho jana.
Pyaar...pyaar toh kiya tha maine.

Amused?

So was I.

Why was it a prerequisite?
Why did love need a definition at all?
"Tu try toh kar!"
Said my best friend on call
"If you don't like it, then break up."
"Tujhe bas sahi bandhi nahi mili ab tak."

At this point, I'm just fed up.
If not Ishita, then who will it be?
For, she is my true facsimile.
We share hobbies and interests,
Heck, we even have similar music tastes!
If that's not a soulmate,
Tell me what is?

Perturbed?
So was I.

How I felt about it was ineffable.
It wasn't intrinsic to me,
As maybe it is to you.
But, it was the next step
In my relationship.

So, when I heard her voice say
"Come back to bed"
I did crawl back and leaned in.
A thousand fleeting thoughts
Swarmed my head,
But, mentally, I had given in.
"Come on Rahul! It's just sex!"

She strung her fingers through mine,
As I smiled and kissed her forehead.
She looked up and gazed into my eyes,
Her head slowly bopping to the sound
Of Arctic Monkeys, in the background.

Then I felt her hand stroking my ribs.
I turned on my side to face her.
Her finger brushed my chest, and then my cheeks.
I heaved a breath and clutched her.

We locked lips. It was magical.

Yaar mai kya batau?
Yeh feeling itni incredible thi.
Moments like this are far and few
As cliché as that can be.

Confused?
So was I.

For someone who pushed sex so much.
A kiss wasn’t a big deal as such?
But I braced myself,
For the worst was yet to come.
“You can do it Rahul!”
My inner voice consoled me some.

And then, a chuckle.
What the hell?
She was grinning!
Here’s another story to tell.

“You’re asexual na Rahul?”
She said as she beamed at me.
What was that? Asexual?
Clearly, she saw my look of uncertainty

'Cause she sat up, held my hand
Promised me eternal love
No matter who I am.

And then it hit me!

I spoke about my predicament
With every damn person.
But never asked what it meant
To Ishita herself

Par yeh angel hi toh thi
Jo mujhe samajhti thi.
Aakhir farak kisi aur ko nahi,
Usey padhni chahiye thi.

Agree?
So do I.

Ishita yaar, she was different.
And I never asked her
In fear of judgement.
But I was answered
With acceptance!

She was different, she understood me
When I didn’t even know it was asexuality.

Satisfied?
So am I.

Hi. I’m Rahul.
Naam toh suna hoga.
I’m asexual.
And a crazy romantic.
Hard to understand for some.
But I still exist
And I'm not the only one.

No, it isn’t just a phase to get over.
It doesn’t diminish my love for another.
It’s not unnatural. Don’t try to fix me.
Take it. Or else, please leave.

For me love lies in the simple things.
Bewajah, bejhijhak,
Uska mera naak teepna, gaal khichna.
Aur mera, uske zulfon ki
Khushboo se khush ho jana.
This was love to me. I didn’t need it.

And I didn’t need to hate it.
Nor be afraid of it.
Those who liked it weren't better than me.
And, I was not incomplete.
Just the basic fact that
I simply didn’t want it.

You know?
I hope you do.

At the sight of my bewilderment
The sound of her laughter was something
That I had never seen coming.
Thank you Ishita,
For understanding.
That I am asexual
And that it doesn’t change a thing.

~~~~~~~~~